Where is the Pain

what future do i hold

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 18:28:43 GMT

new day new emotions... well so life has been movin ike a roller-coaster latley. depressed or falling one minute and okay the next. I'm so ready to leave school and be on my own there are people i just cn't stand anymore, and there are things a just want to dissapear which obviously won't hapen. i mean i'm not gunna run from my problems, but there is nothing i can do. Life moves on. latley everything has seemed like a movie like i'm not really hear just as if i'm watching something ead my life untill i'm out of high school.. all i know is when i move i wonder i'f i'll ever come back.. I was talking to a friend last night about what life will be like when i'm older.. and i was talking about how i picture myself alone, rlationship wise but with friends, bieng very independent having at least one kid i hope. I mean i don't wana be alone and not be married when im older but i just don't see it happening. my life will really start when i am about 22-23 after i'm out of recording schol.. then it's like then what? you know where do i go after that. I hope my life ahead is exciting. I think everyone does. I feel as if i really don't have a group of friends that i click with so to say. i mean I have few AMAZING friends and they would be there for me when ever i need them. i doubt a lot of things, and people. i find myself seeing through a lot of bullshit latley and it just pisses me off. i hate lies, i hate bullshit, and i hate drama(even though it's part of me) i feel that no matter how hard I try drama is resting over my eye lids.but whatever i'm gunna be " free" soon . it's nice hanging out with my friends who aren't in high school. I mean soooo nice just because the drama isn't there, even some of my bestfriends who are in highschool. there is a different feeling when it comes to hanging out because the others just have more experiance and are easyer to talk to about shit, it's hard to explain. well school is almost out as today marks the last day of the third quarter. this next month is gunna be crazy... tommorow, recording..next friday, first darcie show... friday after next my fucking 18th B-day!!!!!(god i really could use fucking cash, for a guitar i'm gunna make and a drumset)...break begining of my braces life...shopping trip escape...prom? who knows fucked up...braces will be sucking now...end of may more band stuff... end of school be driving by now for at least a month... ip done if not earlier... trip to la with friend or solo, get away ... i lots af shows and then i have no idea where ir goes from there.. so we'll see but i have to go...later

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 04:39:57 GMT

sooo i'm stuck in tahoe! horray for bordum and deppression... i have been talking to my frieneds and they have all been saying there is no reason for deppression in a week, but it really doesn't do much for me..earlier today i was doing fine but when i start to miss my music hence last night i broke the E string to my sanity. so i am now up here with nearly no money to buy new strings and a cd which was the one thing i wanted out of this whole god damned place.... so now erica and ross aren't together. thats interesting to think of them apart. but now she is free. when ever i'm with her i start to get the feelings of affection for her again. i mean i really like her and it's like the road block i put up get's torn down when=ever i see or talk to her. it sucks! ARGHH and now that she isn't in arelationship it's as if my hope has been rejuvinated. but shje thnks someone else is the greatist not really me but as long as who ever she ends up with makes her happy that will make me happy...I tried to keep happy but it's not working i just have to make sure if i get deppressed that it won't go deeper into the pit other wise i stop to care....THIS IS WHY I HATE BEING ALONE!!!!!! fuck can't my parents listen once! god this is awful I hate this place and i'm only fucking coming up every once in a llllooonnnnggggg while. i'm gunna go talk to friends and try to raise my mood...

-adam

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 16:23:48 GMT

yeah so i realize that my emotions are going crazy! One minute things are going great, but the next minute i'm depressed. i'm not sure why though... is it out of bordum i mean the fact i have nothing to look forward to? i mean i have two bands and they both need A lot of work and i want to belive they're going to be great but i just have no hopes anymore. I want to be proven wrong. As for this moment in time i have nothing to do afterschool when i get out at 12 so since Tom is hanging out with jazmine I'm fucked with know one to hang out with.... there is Darcy? i was supposed to hang out with her... well the rain is nice and all but i can't just lay down and sleep. I am sooo tired even though i have been getting moderate( healthy) amounts of sleep each night... I'm not sure why my emotions flare like they do is it sleep deprivation... Hey so a kid brought a gun toschool yesterday... luckly the idiot showed a friend and that friend told the principal.... my views on that are if i were to have been shot i't wouldn't matter to me a mean like if i died not if i got shot in the arm or anything... i would really hope no one else would get hurt that would be tragic... but as i was talking to erin about last night( which by the way the tension is solved i think) how i don't fear dying anymore like it wouldn't mater to me at this point in time if i were killed at any moment...I do fear some of the act's of dying (burnt alive, drowning, sufication ect) but the actuall part that peaople fear where they will no longer be an object on this earth ...i do not fear. Any who back onto subject. I hate guns they do no good at all and are a usless item of war whether it is between two people or two countries... gun's don't help... and i know people kiil people but do you really think someone would come to a schol and try to massicer people with i knive or breal everyone's neck's ninja style ha no the gun is the faster quicker way to kill. well i'm feeling a little better... sleep hopefully in my next class... this sucks i shouldn't have come to school i'm way to tired for this sooo tired well i'm gunna go to class now

-adam

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 08:06:19 GMT

t crashed a bit and came back up when i heard " From first to Last" they are soooo fucking rad! any who so I’ll explain my day...so i woke up crappy and tired from staying up late again. got up put clothes on. Started to eat a bagel but realized I’m not hungry enough in the mornings. so school was okay but got fun during second period with the cj. and got more fun during third because i took cool myspace photos .. i love my new hair. and i know i sound vain but it's a rarity that i enjoy something about my appearance. then it dropped off again. fourth period sucked i hate Spanish and band was, fine didn't play my best so that sort of sucked... then stupid Erin shit started to bother me again. i mean i've gotten over her pretty much 100% i mean i get a little bummed every once in a while but it's no biggie., She can do what ever she wants and I’m cool... who ever it is with as long as she is happy . but the drama was all based on the fact that i feel that she is hiding something from me maybe her feelings for someone else who is one of my friends. but it doesn't bother me i could care less but i feel as if her hiding or whatever she is doing is causing fray to our friendship i mean i just want to be friends. as for relationships i realize a relationship any younger than a junior is close to a waist of time for me... or at least that’s what it feels like to me right now. i would rather have a relationship with someone who can enjoy time with me because they're not younger by larger gap. but i just hope all that shit with her eventually works out... i just want it to go back to how it was when i first met her.... then i came home screamed and played drums to my rage...watched TV went online like i am and determined that i love the band" from first to last" I can't wait for my scremo band to get some completed songs! and my project/ band with behan and cj. Seeing how my life is gunna revolve around music i realize i better start working on it everyday even more. through guitar as well I’m tired it's 1200 and i'm gunna go

-adam

WHOOOOOOO

Fri, 28 May 2004 16:30:17 GMT

yeah it's probably a good thing how things play out. School Sucks It's a bunch of shit I honestly donm't care about. I'm me and they can't change that. I'm not going to a four year collage reight away anyway. THe band might break up( zach leaving) this is actually good news in my mind. Adam and I click and are planning on starting a new band with a more dedicated bass player and probably a second gutarist. It's good because we will be making better music. And besides that Zach and I clash He is just a piece of shit the majority. This summer is going to be crazy. two jobs a crazy practice every possible day sechedual. WARPED TOUR!!!!!!!! So many Bands I like will be there. Lots of mony new drum equipment and Relaxing in my own music. Just thinking about it makes me so happy. Tonight I'm going to the Battle of the bands then tommorow we have a show( possibly our last whoooo Finally) Latly I've developed a hate for our doush maskot Zach. Gtg to class

today

Mon, 17 May 2004 19:53:44 GMT

THis weekend was crazy fun untill sunday night it started with no work on friday because I didn't feel 100% okay, so I just went home and played video games... Saterday...Adam spent the night and nina stopped bye. we wen't to cannery row and nearly got attatcked by an anal homie just because I knocked on te window to say hi. who starts fights for knocking on windows in starbucks haha who knew. then sunday came along, we had an awsome practice and I renewed faith in myself that i'm not a poor drummer and that a might be able to make it a carrier. then sunday night of course it had to ruin everything. sisters birthday at el torito father yelling and family arguments about me not wanting to b made fun of by my dad. and the family devides and takes sides again casuing more tension in the future.n Old best friends who I thought would alwalys be friends have left me for others as we drift apart.

lucky

Wed, 07 Apr 2004 20:02:10 GMT

yep so I found out my families Tahoe house was robbed. Lucky us. well I'm fine I told them not to leave expensive things up there untill we had better locks. I'm glad I didn't leave anything there. Well other than that this week will be crazy. Lots of tahoe(to much) get back friday(leaving Now). help run a show friday at the black box. practice sterday, and record sunday... fun fun. later. gotta go to tahoe.

poems

Thu, 25 Mar 2004 22:15:50 GMT

Drowning

Don't throw yourself in
The drowning of achohole must stop
Poisin is no better than booz
Don't give away your last breath to a bottle

Step right in
Fix those mistakes
Don't let troubles change your mind

Put down the gun
Don't pull the trigger
Take out the bullets
Throw them forever away

Step right in
Fix those mistakes
Don't let troubles change your mind.

Karma

Fill your tank with gas
And take off to war
Pop those earphones in
Still stressed, let it flow
Flow through those triger happy fingers.
Flow through your racist hate
Flow through your bombs

Drop your feelings all over
The country will bleed your pain
Your divorce will hit every citizen
The fire leaps up but you've let go
Falling falling your engine is shot
You see the ground on impact
Karma gets back for your violence

Deep down truth

What is real
Is real fake
I belive in a nation of real
Yet this is not where I live
A fake nation of real
There is no end to the madness
Is a lie a truth
Or is a truth untold
The media are the biggest truth tellers
They tell us "How it is"
"War is good"
"We need to take them down"
"Urgent, in case of freedom shoot in the forhead"
SNAP!

Upsidown Hill

My dying day slopes off
Finaly i'm going to prevail
Hrdships just pile up at the bottom
A ill is an upsidown plumit
Both will lead you down
I can't be happy, but I can't be sad
To be sad would be plessure...

The Editor

Is it me or are you just weak
Take all you words and drown them in kerosine
Burn them all in to limet less nothing ness
The ashes will spell out your fate

C-we are nothing more than words we speak
I am nothing more than actions i do

you shove out phrases faster than the editor
he can't edit out your moronic sense
Are you as smart as they say or is that the editor talking spoken
out of fear of nothing else to say

Chorus

what can you do can be forgiven, but not by those atattcked

whats new?

Thu, 25 Mar 2004 16:14:14 GMT

soooo lots is new. a failed attempt for a relationship, fear for a friend, suviere deppresion, and band practice, and family issues. All of these are normal so im weak for leting them get to me. for example a I am scared of events that could possibly arrize for one of my best friends. I just want him to be happy but i don't know if he ever will. literally. Thhen I've gotten extremly deppressed over some compound issues... I relize I have to much shit going on and can't handle a relationship. Stupid me relized it after we started together... Fuckin dumbass thats wqhat I am I should have used my knoledge from many previouse attempts... don't just jump in. It was only for a week though so im fine. not really I just feel bad because she was Quit attatched. owell she said not to care so I won't. THen I hear about all these instinces where society has fucked people up and they are countless. Human nature is nothing but violence and hate. an the words of the vandals ape shall not kill ape... yet it still happens. on the news everyday, T.V., and music. I can' under stand music because it helps people release their anger. But I don't see why people act those acts out. IT is fucking rediculouse. Another thing is violent parents. I wish that that would end but it never would. I witnessed an event of parent child sceanerio that saddend me. I was a teacher telling the student he was a jack ass then the parent of the teacher thanking the teacher because the parent would have done and said something worse...for the kids minor mistake. Also I relize im almost 18...I'm so close. when I finish highschool, IO know whatI want to do. I won't be happy unless my career involves music in some manner. And where will I live ? monterey? id prefer to live in santacruz with a friend just share an appartment. we both wana work at streetlight so there solves that problem... I am going to look into an internship at a local record label maybe it'l set me up for future tasks...or even give me some more connections.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKK

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 15:38:32 GMT

things are so tough now with my family and school its just like everymorning I wake up thinking im free to find the lock even tighter id the shackles bound deeper in to my wrist. I don't know why I have sooo many issues.
ironicly when I skip a class except for once have been to do homework I had forggoten about or missed. The majority of these would be because if I type them at home i am hassled to hurry up and I can't write well. the constant yelling through out the house is too distracting. because of this I have saterday school . I mean Im fine with that. thats my mistke I learned. But then my parents just don't underrsatand how fucked up I am. these past couple months I've noticed there is something wrong . im not sure what is may be yet. There is something wrong the deppression just floats along me following me everywhere...to be continued

Fri, 05 Mar 2004 16:24:52 GMT

yeah I wrot this cool song... I decided I'm going to start writing my songs on here. it goes like this.

Is it me or are you just weak
Take all you words and drown them in kerosine
Burn them all in to limet less nothing ness
The ashes will spell out your fate

C-we are nothing more than words we speak
I am nothing more than actions i do

you shove out phrases faster than the editor
he can't edit out your moronic sense
Are you as smart as they say or is that the editor talking spoken out of fear of nothing else to say

Chorus

what can you do can be forgiven, but not by those atattcked

commments- It has odd rythems...(reminder, blink song)

NEW SONG
STand up, get ready
To fight against free speech zones
we have our rights, to speak our mind
No matter who its to.....FUCK YOU

c-whoa, down with presidential free speach zones
whoa, get back Ill fight my way through
it's hidden from hedlines
the media is not aloud inside
they don't want anything leaked out
they wana keep false pride

Chorus

It's come a time, a time to view reality
if you come, be sure and stand a half mile away
they I won't let you near, unless your a pro bush screw
he doesn't wana see how we the people feel

Chorus

PARTY whoo anyways for those of you all wondering what I mean by free speach zones read this article... http://www.commondreams.org/headlines04/0104-04.htm

yeah anyweays life has been crazy,from my parents relizing I have issues and think I am disturbed, to buying double bass drum peddels and spending lots of money, the drum peddles make me happy. they are soooo fun to play with. Its like a whole new world to explore. there are so many more possibilities. I love them, plus I got a great price. there DWs and I ghot them for $150. I was lucky. my drumset is now much closer to perfection. I am pissed because I might not be able to go alex's show because my parents don't feel its a safe enviorment, even though Im helping pass out the new direction flyers in front of the old venue. and for all of you who didn't know....THE SHOW HAS MOVED TO A NEW VENUE. THE SHOW HAS MOVED TO THE MAIN ROOM IN CHIPERS BAR OFF FREMONT. well I have to go.

not so swell

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 20:55:39 GMT

yeah so yeaterday was strange some events happened that I didn't plan on well I sorta wanted it to but not how it did. I have liked some one again for a while now, but don't wory it;; go away. I will make my feelings dis appear just as I always do. and have done repetedly in the past. this is a frustrating re occurance. O don't want the feelings I have for a person, because I don't want to think the person coul have feelings for me. If I get my hopes up I will lose as usuall in the end. yesterday was also a Very bad day for reasons of deppression. I get deppressed out of the blue sometimes these times are aproching more frequently. Im not sure what I am deppressed about most of the time. I just am then other things get me angry like at the youth center yesterday... every one was asking why are you so down , is is adam and marlee?...NO!!!!!!!! I DON'T give a fuck about them. >>>I think it is its okay...I'm telling you thats not it whatever they wana do is their busness. who cares....I think its them you just don't wana acmit it...FUCK YOU no its not its school its life its my fucking family I hate YOu right now just leave me alone PLEASE!. of course after that they back of yet to return again to anger me more. Do They persistantly act annoying just to annger me. NO probably not Im just in a bad mood over reacting. Im not sure. Some I promise you some are. Others just care I guess but can't relize when I tell them something isn't bothering me repedly im not lying iT doesn't bother me . Holy crap then the famliy time. yeah lets have family dinners and brekfasts just beacuse we "love" you and wana make for the time we don't have with you. Bullshit I HATE you and I want you to leave me alone . Don't take me to breakfast and pay for me to eat then tell me Im too fat for you to buy clothes for me.. I have little clothes. and you won't buy me clothes unless I lose weight. Huh if im so fat why buy me food. it bothers me so much. WHY FUCKEN WHY!!!!!!!!!

nothing new

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 16:45:39 GMT

so as I said lifes going well. yesterday Jerry and I played together as the obscurint a band that has been named as the joke of carmel. well fuck that I can finnally play for them haha watch out im back and better than ever I've learned more stickcing patterns and tricks to entertain a croud. lots of cool spining tricks you could say im a pimped out kevin from 5606 when it com,es to tricks haha ive mastered a few and I Have Ideas for more., also I'm very excited anout my drumset. I've added another floor tom and another high tom, so now There are four toms. one is even a floating floor tom...sweet. the power of a double floor accent is amazing I have so much potentail with my new set up and Im selliong cymbals and buying a double bass drumm kicker. My drum set is almost perfect. I LOVE my new set up its soooooo fun to play on. I set it up last night before I went to dinner with jessica and helen. lafe in the love ane is normal fuck relationshiops they justr screw up friendships. why put yourself in a place where you could loose a friend whom you care profusly about. Beets me? I've made the mistake I decided no more will I make.It's cool i'm too young to be in a relationship anyways. I think that they're too much work. I mean thats all you think about when you're in one. The last one I was in sure messed with my head haha. now its back to normal ...creative unique and Me. I'm thinking of maby getting a third job. more cash inflow mwahaha more drums and other necessities like my car. I found out when I renue my permit that I don't have to wait 6 months to get my licence. so I'm going to buy my moms explorer in june and get my license in the next teo months. just so I feel safe on the road and don't hit anything deffensless, or animals ...save the rainforest captain planet haha. fuck yeah. lifes going swell and I have nothing exciting to write about so ill write a song

today I yell, I scream my life
The scarlet threshhold, I've left behin
No more trails unleft, Again on my own
Chackles take a fall, and fredom soars above

{I'm not gunna promise you that im always Ok,
but I'm gunna scream and hold my pride}x2

One more step, I've acomplished them all
Watch me suceed, I'll watch you die
Lauging about fault, theres nothing to morn
I hold my own breath, I don't worry of your's

{But I'm not going to promise you that im always Ok,
but I'm gunna scream to hold my pride}x2

I surpass a few, but I don't fall from many
Life throws me out, But it's not over yet
Listen to Peace, I'm my own peace maker
the clock still sticks, I'll jump past it's stop

But I'm not gunna promise you that I'm always Ok,
but I'm gunna scream to hold my pride}x2

That was fun I llike that song I might not tommorw but thats how it goes. I could hate it tommorow thats cool though because I don't have a one track mind. My minds derailed off of sevire conformity.

partay

Tue, 24 Feb 2004 22:50:56 GMT

yeah lfes going great finally back to fucken normal. this last week break has been crazy. It started with saterday where myles and I rode that bus boat thing for free it was fun. I concured myles fear of water. then his grandma had a heart attack and went in to a state of vegtableism. its sad and awfull. I cheared him up imediatly though he was angery because he hadn't seen her in ten years. atleast he had sopmething to do durring break now . unfortunetly it was driving to arizona to sit bedside in the hospital and attened a funiral after she eventually passed away. while he was in arizona I went to tahoe from monday thru thursday. of course I just read a few books and listened to music. Im reading One Flew Over The Coo Cos nest... its amazing. well when I got back I went to eltorito to have a fiesta durring happy hours and get some drinks. its so funny how they think were 21 its great. I can minipulate people well which is a good skill but a terrible thing to do most of the time. Then I filmed My play for writing about the schitzo girl who murdered her family. its good. the video turned out even better. with an erie begging and taste of bloof for the credits with blood drip writing. Erica was the girl. Wow what an actor. shes good. sunday sucked but I learned the bass line to a lot of anti-flag songs. I learned my favorite saterday arounf 2 am. spaz's house destruction party has such a fun bass line to play.
Then I went to school...awww at sucks , but I can't complain , it's life. im almost out though. I recently quit OAW i had been thinking about it for a month and a half now. Im relived of the pressure. It went smoothley. in adition to my planning recent events with adam whom of wich I have a hate for and desgusts me have issues. I can't stand to look at him it makes me wana smack him for being so stupid. well whatever hes doing now who gives a fuck he can do what ever the hell h wants to, it shows his we weren't as good friends as I thought we were and the type of charicture that he is. owell I have better friends. good luck to him and Zach with their band . hope they do well. anyways life is going smooth just listening to a lot of music and playing a lot of guitar. especially drums. I am excited I have finnally gotten a chance to play like four hours a day ike I used to...It felt so great. hahah all break I played constsntly. I can even notice that I have gotten a lot better. I hcan see my improvment, so can mister handly my fucken band teacher. were also on good terms. lifes swell.

what do you know

Thu, 12 Feb 2004 15:43:04 GMT

he it's always fucken hallariouse when one of your best friend plunges a knife into your back haha . well I shouldn't be complaining it happens so much. wel this time it was buy some fucker I just don't know she can be with one guy and have one intense to messey relationship then has the nerve to start hitting on my best friend. what the fuck. don't you see wrong in this woman. then to top it off you tell him not to fucking tell me whats going on. untill I find out third person that the two of you are kissing ect.. thats just wrong. like whatever you guys wana do thats fine. I honestly could care less than anyone else because I have such a passionate hate for you now. but when I find out third person of what is happining and thats awfull now I know they'res an issue with my friend and that you have no morals thats just cause your a bitch and I can see how you "go around" I guess you were just a slut."

yo-lla

Thu, 05 Feb 2004 16:45:10 GMT

whats up mr journal whoo. life is going awsome I'm not sure why i just have so much energy. do much is going on. my grades are going great. I have an B in spanish and got in A on the last quiz, also in AlgII which I got a D in last semester I have an A- Whhich is fuckin awsome because I'm one of four. My parents are sooooooo excited. Im getting a car and lots of cool stuff with the cash flow from my two jobs. im also playing with tom today . we also found someone who would wana play bass for us. hes fuckin good he's in the signed hardcore band Taste Of Blood. we're not going to play hard core but we're not playing pop punk either. It will be intresting what we create.Another odd thing is one of my friends is trying to set me up with all these girls.Why? beets me I'm fine I don't need a relationship but whatever she can do what she wants. I don't think when people play matchmaker it works. 99.9% of the time it doesn't. at least Ill make some new friends.

sad

Mon, 02 Feb 2004 01:13:36 GMT

Im sitting hear, part board, a lot deppressed, and a little happy. tahis happens so offten now this fealing of lonliness even in the midst of my friends. Its wierd When I'm deppressed everything moves so slow. Its hard to explain. i mean not literally unless im travling neer the the speed of light but im obviously not. I want to be loved as more than friends. It's sorta like once you have something amazing then you don't have or you have something that's not as good you want the original best. its deppressing. and whats annoying that just makes me wanna go off and never come back is that no matter what I rty I can't get out of these deppressions sometimes they'll last for a week maybee even a week and a half. Maybee I should take medicine for it. Im not sure but if its going to help than maybee I should I mean the reason I don't do drugs or smoke or drink is because I am happy enough to not need reliefe. well I used to be. secondly because well I don't really know why. I just figure the main point."DRUGS ARE BAD!DON'T DO THEM!" why? if its goinng to help me out maybee I should just stay onm the streets on night and get shitfaced to get away. because i'm pretty sure thatwhile i'm shitfaced im not going to be deppressed, or I will comit suicide from my deppresion if im depressed, because achohole just increases depression. thats not good because as much as i don't feel; needed by anyone it might hurt some people. and I don't want to hurt anyone iv'e already hurt to many on accident. that is such a horrible feeling. Love is a hate word. Yes That may be a little strong but it causes pain and bliss as I stated in a previouse entry. There is more than one kind of love though.Friend love and lover's love. why its driving me fucking nut why ...why cant there be just on kind its annoying how connfusing it can be and is for me. i thnik the core of my deppression is love. Im deciding right now I am not going try not to get in a relationship because as great as it may be it can cause me so much pain and my happiness isn't worth it. for a month two a year however long my relatiopnship lasts. I figure just being very good friends is great but when you become more than friends you open yourself up to have your throat slit and your heart squezzed. So whjy let that happen? beets me I made a mistake to do that and I've learned from my mistakes. I just wana die inside I feel that theres no hope left in side that im hardened and I don't want to let anybody into my heart because of the outcome. I guess I have commitment issues now. great lucky me whooo yay.

cool

Sun, 01 Feb 2004 21:44:05 GMT

yay...life is going cool for a change i mean hell there are some things that could make it better but thouse things aren't goping to happen. but for the most part lifes going swell . we played an awsome show at the battle of the bands. it rocked i meen what makes me feel good is that even though im not in a relation shiop i still have friends that are there for me and love me like bridget shes so cool. my sis to the end and maggie same goes for her. and then there is myles together through tough and easy.
at the show I counted over 35 mistakes on my set yet still sooo many people commented on how great the band and I were. for the first time ever I felt proud of a show. Its a good feeling. I deffenently hope to play more and succeed. as mike said, kevin,and eric all said to me I we have the possibillities to be amazing we just need more show time, but its there. fuck yah that makes me so proud haha like when im with a bear haha. The style of me and the band is becoming betterand better im writting full acoustic songs for liberation thir-teen and as a band adam and I are making awsome songs like paper cut and "wallpaper"*(thats what we call all our in progress songs...or you can call it the marlee adam adam song because all three of contributed) my love life still sucks what I had is gone unfortunetly that sucks haha but time to move on I guess. o well there are other people out there who are amazing people also. well im going to go screw around at adam's.

its all okay

Mon, 26 Jan 2004 20:53:59 GMT

As is said earlyer life is like a rollercoaster. but with me there always seems to be more downward spirals. Its really funny actually. whats is annoying is now many of my friends are trying to, "set me up." They don't realize that doesn't work very often at least with me. because I am very strange person. and its hard for people to relize that. also I need a lot of attention. I don;t do things for that attention on perpouse but I do need a lot of attention. Usually what I do is play music work or upgrade my drumset. for example Im excited because I just bought a pink bassdrum head its hot pink and I am cutting hole s in it(two) and covering the holes with black mettle rings its going to look so cool with the contrast. and I rarely see a lot of pink drum heads...Rarely. but as I get of subject yet again I will stay on topice. Lately 've been doing a lot of self evaluation. like if im not happy with how I look weight and stuff ill change it I am the onlyone who can make a difference. also I'm going to cam down a bit because a lot of the energy I have scares people haha and annoys people. Im focusing on a 3.5 or better this semester and I know I can do it. Im also really tired after working about 25 hours in the past three days. yeah the sleep deprivation is allways fun Im doing my hommwork now even if it takes me into the late late hours of the night. If i get the grades I will finnaly be free. free to dye my hair free to go out much more often free to go to mopre shows, practice with my new band liberation thir-teen i'm very excited about it Im going to work my ass off for this band. Its more of my favorite type of music. OAW can practice more and maybee even the thing with tom probably not though because I need a more time. well I feal like shit and this isn't helping nothing is latley haha im used to it well adios to me.

today

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 20:50:47 GMT

its funny how every day can be so different like a roller coaster but unlike the blink 182 song its not fun. I have my definit ups and downs but in the past month i have had so many more ups than downs its hard my parents saying im nothing and have no chance for a great life that when I step into reality Ill lose. I hate how they don't understand the pressures of jugling your life telling yuor self not to cut to pull the knife away from your flesh. When I feel this down which is how its been so often now, I can see who my true friends are the ones that would do anything for my safty, take a bullet for me. They wuold try so hard to make my days go better and for me to be happy. latley nothing works. Thats whats so awful which makes me feal so much worse for example my true friends constantly are trying to make me happy but they can't and so their trials are going to waiste. I feel so bad that they try so hard and nothing work. My life is just an endless cycle of shit and bliss. For a short peroid I'll feel nothing can get me down then I just feel like there is nop cure for my issues and I shouldn't live. But I have no reason to feel that way its not my place to feel! If some of my friends can do it who have been battered and beaten, Then I defenantly can! I have a possible future wether im on the streets with a guitar and someone I love or A friend. But love is a strong word not to be taken unseriously. It can kill someone or it could bring bliss. I belive there is no such thing as true love or to be forever happy. like thats another reason why I don't deserve death. It would hurt people. as much as I tell myself it wont. I will I've experianced this. When my friend killed himself I was not only very down, but angry at him. I still don't see how nice of a person I can be if a hate someone for killing themselves. He is now probably a lot happyer, I hope he is at least I hope he is. I havce so many reasons not to end it. But deppresion does that to you. It changes how you feel. and what sucks about life is that there are so many things that can cause deppression. I mean look at me Im sitting here complaing because im deppressed spilling my mind onto a computer that has no feelinags and doesnot even know of feelings such as love or hate or deppresion. why do I do this I don't know relife? I really don't know why.

read!

Wed, 21 Jan 2004 21:02:12 GMT

so im really not good at this thing yet, this is my fist entree. but Ill deal. Everything in this past month of my life has been a rollercoaster, but thats life. People have issues with me. A lot of them I didn't cause, because they don't want to belive me. Whatever they want to belive they can belive. Apperently im untrustable. I've learned many people think i lie to them. Im not sure yet what about because I don't lie. Lieing to people causes pain, and Im a pro-peace person. Latley I havent been acting like it. this is because school isn't going well and there is stress in my life. Everyone has stress. It's the people that have issues or have things that have happend to them that keep it to themselves that I respect most. Thats funny because thats a hipocritical statment by me. I want to be a person who can hide my feelings but not my voice. I will never hide my oppinion or my voice. I state as I know. Latley people think Ive been doing, this yet the oppinions i've been expressing are crap about everybody. Thats a bunch of shit. What has beenm claimed I've said . I haven't said. I don't care because people don't have to like me thats life. I know inside I didn't say the things that I supposedly did. I do though see however how what i had said could be misinterpreted. Thats too bad. I take full responsabilty for everything that has happened, because of this. So...To everyone who has been effected by these issues of blastfumy i'm sorry. I appologize for whats happened. Also I apollogize to anyone I've hurt by adccident because of my temper or what haveyou. I do have a temper I'm not proud of. this temper does take a while to hit though. So again, if anyone reads this who has been effected by this bullshit that has been going on for the past three weeks or even longer if you have had a problem with me in the past.